Tolong terima trojanku

Berikut transkrip percakapanku dengan “nancy jimy”, wanita (?) yang ngotot sekali “meminta pendapatku” mengenai dirinya.

nancy jimy: hi
Prince: Hi.
nancy jimy: oh may be my little sister she is 4 years old was using my mesnger sorry
Prince: No problem.
nancy jimy: where ru from?
nancy jimy: iam 24f usa

Di sini aku awalnya berpikiran, “Weks, ngajak kenalan n chatting nih? Perasaan aku gak ikut channel chat apapun di Y!M…”

Prince: Indonesia. I’m 27.
Prince: Excuse me, where did you get my id?
nancy jimy: may be my little sister she is 4 years old was using my mesnger sorry

Hmm… copy-paste. Gak masalahlah. Diladeni dulu.

nancy jimy: have u been to usa?
Prince: I lived in Kentucky for 5 years.
Prince: But that was a long time ago.
nancy jimy: wowwwww so nice iam in tx
nancy jimy: so ru married?
Prince: Not just yet.
nancy jimy: so what ur doing for living

Aku membayangkan pertanyaan selanjutnya adalah berapa penghasilanku per tahun. Apapun pertanyaannya, aku sedang kurang mood untuk ditanyai. Langsung kasih jawaban seadanya dan balikkan fokusnya ke dia.

Prince: A little bit of everything. How about you?
nancy jimy: iam teacher

Hmm… Grammarnya “bagus” sekali untuk seorang guru di US.

nancy jimy: so do u have pic of u?

Hwoo…!! Aku sama sekali tidak berpengalaman soal chatting. Ini memang normal ya dalam sesi chat? Yang pasti aku gak akan sembarang kasih foto sama orang yang baru diajak bicara ngetik < 5 menit.

Prince: Do you?
nancy jimy: ya
BUZZ!!!

Setelah beberapa saat didiamkan, dia nge-buzz. Padahal sudah males. Ya sudah, tantang sekalian.

Prince: Come on, turn on your webcam.
nancy jimy: i have only pic
BUZZ!!!

Nge-buzz, dan file fotonya pun siap diunduh.

nancy jimy: here is my pic

Di-accept.

You have received 1 file from nancy jimy.
tn.jpg

File dibuka. Pirang, berbaring di pinggir kolam, senyum Pepsodent. (Pakaiannya sopan lho, jangan berpikiran aneh-aneh.) Heavily Photoshopped. Mirip koleksi di stok foto-foto gratis dan aku sama sekali yakin itu bukan dia, tapi sebagai pria baik-baik yang akan tidak melukai perasaan wanita (kalo memang betul dia itu wanita)…

Prince: Nice shot.
nancy jimy: f u want i can send u small video clip for me while dancing and singing hope u like my voice and my red dress . i can send with some pics too

What the…??? Mungkin memang ini lazim untuk chat. Lazimkah? Gak mau, ah.

Prince: Nah, that’s ok.
Isn’t it like 2 or 3 AM there?
jimy: its so nice will take less than 2 minutes to see

Busyet, gak paham ya. Ya sudahlah, nanti tinggal dihapus.

Prince: Ok.
nancy jimy: ok do u have winzip?
Prince: Of course.
nancy jimy: ok wait
nancy jimy: here its
nancy jimy: the song called romance love
nancy jimy: he song so nice and lovely and funny
You have received 1 file from nancy jimy.
stacy.rar

TUING..!!! Popup peringatan dari Kaspersky muncul. Detected:Trojan program Trojan-Spy.Win32.Agent.aba
Hohoho… ternyata ini isinya. Filenya berisi satu aplikasi bernama romancelove.exe. Otomatis dihapus. Pura-pura gak tau.

Prince: I see.
nancy jimy: ok
nancy jimy: let me know what u tink about my voice and my red dress
nancy jimy: did u see it?

Gak sabaran banget. Membayangkan laki-laki di ruangan gelap di ujung sana, menanti respon dari aplikasi kirimannya.

Prince: Opening it right now.
nancy jimy: ok
nancy jimy: i wanna know ur opinion at my voice and my red dress

Tentu saja aku tidak membukanya. Lanjut dengan sandiwara.

Prince: There’s nothing in it.
nancy jimy: how?!!!!!!!!1
nancy jimy: did u see the song called romance love?
BUZZ!!!
nancy jimy: helloo
nancy jimy: ru there?

Huahahaha…

Prince: I told you, it’s empty. Sorry.
nancy jimy: just make double click oon it it will work .. no way its not working
Prince: I got the zip file. But there’s nothing in it.
Prince: There’s nothing to click.
nancy jimy: no way
nancy jimy: i sent u u said u have winzip right?
Prince: Yes, the latest version. I have all the latest versions and updates on my computer.

Di sini aku ingin memberi petunjuk kalo seluruh aplikasi di kompi ini punya update terkini, termasuk anti virus. Tapi apa boleh buat, masih ngotot juga.

nancy jimy: ok then did u unzip it?
Prince: I dont need to. I can view the contents right from the Explorer.
Prince: And yes, it’s empty.
nancy jimy: ok let me send u again

Huehehe… penasaran ya…

Prince: Hey, it’s not a problem.
Prince: I’m sure you sound and look very nice.
You have declined the file sent by nancy jimy.
nancy jimy: please i wanna know ur opinion in my voice and my red dresss
Prince: Why me?
nancy jimy: i like singing
nancy jimy: its my hoby
nancy jimy: i like to know what u think about my voice

Dari sini aku mulai bosan… dan mulai “bertanya”.

Prince: Why is the file named stacy?
nancy jimy: my name is stacy
Prince: Thought it was Nancy.
nancy jimy: no its just nickname
nancy jimy: lol
Prince: Oh.
nancy jimy: here its again

File dikirim lagi. Maksa banget…

You have declined the file sent by nancy jimy.
Prince: It wont work.
nancy jimy: why?
Prince: I dunno, maybe there’s something wrong with your file.
nancy jimy: did u unzip it?
Prince: Yes.
nancy jimy: ok did u see the soong roomance love?
Prince: How can I make it more clear? The zip file is empty.
nancy jimy: hmm ok give me ur email il send u the song only
Prince: Why not send it here?
nancy jimy: i already sent u

Maksudku videonya, bukan file zipnya, Om…
Wekss… ngirim lagi?

You have declined the file sent by nancy jimy.
Prince: OK, Stacy. I really believe you have a nice voice and to tell you the truth, my speakers are kinda bust.
Prince: They couldn’t play a sound even if I opened it.
nancy jimy: ok u see me while dancing

Persistent.

Prince: What’s the format?
nancy jimy: exe

Pura-pura jadi orang bego yang pura-pura pintar.

Prince: A video with an exe extension?
Prince: Come on, you dont think I’m that stupid, do you?
nancy jimy: its alot of pics start show automaticaly
nancy jimy: no
nancy jimy: donot be silly
nancy jimy: its automatic slide show with my voice
Prince: Then it’s not a video. How could I tell you how you dance if they are just slides?
nancy jimy: alot of pics like cartoons motion. u donot know about that . how come?
Prince: Still couldn’t beat the real thing. It’ll have a very low frame rate.
nancy jimy: what u mean?
Prince: I live with design and animation. There’s no way you would choose to use stills rather than video.
nancy jimy: no that if it was only video its alot of pics show automatical with my voice
Prince: I dont buy it.

“Stacy” pun logoff kurang lebih 5 menit kemudian.